One of the perks of my job is a monthly life-coaching session with a nationally certified coach paid for by the church.
I love my coach. He and I are making great head way in doing a “clean-sweep” of my life to help me gain a greater focus on the things I really need to be doing to fulfill my life’s mission.
We were almost finished our session yesterday. We were making my action plan and something I said spawned one more question. It was a good question. You can always tell a good question because it stops you in your tracks and makes you say, “Huh! I had never thought of that.”
More often than not a really good question is not easy to answer in the moment. Sometimes you even have to say, “I don’t know. I am going to have to think about that one for awhile.”
That is what I said to my coach. We closed off our session, prayed for one another and then went back to our various work loads.
I had a package to mail overseas. So I went to the post office and along the way the question kept burning at the corners of my mind. Something about it was bothering me. I mailed my package, got back in my car and suddenly it was like I was free falling from a thousand feet. I understood in that moment what the question was ferreting out in me. A memory, a hurt from several years ago came rushing to the surface. I thought it was dealt with done. I was wrong. The issue was only buried below skin level just waiting for the right situation (or the right question) to unbury it and bring it back to the surface.
Life rewound and I was back at the very beginning of one of my life’s most painful seasons. Needless to say I didn’t get much more work done yesterday afternoon. Instead I chose to spend the afternoon listening to sad songs on Youtube while licking wounds I thought no longer existed.
I went home for my supper break and took a nap hoping it would make me feel better. I woke up still feeling like a plane whose engine had cut out while in mid flight.
On the way back to church I began to talk to myself, “Self you have got to pull it together you have to lead worship rehearsal tonight.”
I breathed a silent prayer for help and closed myself in my office to prepare my devotion for the team.
I was spanning through a host of devotional blogs and then I came across this post from CHRISTIAN BLESSINGS.
As the song, “Just To Be With You” by Third Day played I heard the voice of God whisper in my ear, “I have done everything just to be with you J. What are you letting stand in the way of us being together.”
I realized then that the only thing standing between me and healing of this hurt was me. I knew in that moment that Jesus could do more than just take away the hurt and rebury it.He could take it and truly heal it but in order to do that I had to decide not to let it stand between us anymore. I had to bring it out of the darkness and shine some light on it. And I had to stop feeding it.
So first I prayed and asked God to forgive me for letting these feelings stand between me and Him.
Then I took the song “Just to Be With You” to my devotion and I confessed what I was feeling to my worship team because a thing of darkness brought into the light loses its power. It was a little embarrassing admitting that I still was holding onto a hurt from almost a decade ago but it had to be done.
Then I determined no more sad songs. So this morning instead of “February Song.”, “Empty Chairs and Empty Tables” , “On My Own”, and “Til I Hear You Sing”, I listened to this:
Ahh that’s better!